Sugar Rush Rampage
by artistic-weirdo
Summary: CRACK!FIC You have been warned! This is what happens when Ed has a little too much sugar in his system.... Sorry bout the 1st chapter..It's really short!
1. Chapter 1:Weird events

_**Sugar Rush Rampage….**_

**A/N- Hi this is my first time writing a fanfic soo please have MERCY! I am an amateur writer so you have been warned….. If your eyes start falling out due to the sheer stupidity(or lack of it) or boringness of this crack!fic, I do not claim responsibility… **

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN THE FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST! I DON'T OWN ANYTHING! I'M TOO DUMB! -sobs uncontrollably-**

It was just another usual morning at Central City Headquarters. Roy was contentedly sipping his coffee with both feet on the table amongst an unusually small pile of paperwork. "Ahh, Riza can't do anything to me now…I finished all of my paperwork for today! That damned, crazy, trigger-happy woman," he added in a mumble, smirking to himself.

"Colonel Bastard!! What do you mean by sending me and Al to some magical oasis in the middle of the Arctic to seal some dumb military deal with a crazy, gun-toting elf!! We just came back from Liore yesterday! Inconsiderate JERK!

Roy glanced up almost lazily. He was used to his subordinate's random outbursts by now. He even had his own, personal, Door-Repair Gnome. He imported it from Palooza Land to repair the door after Ed broke it down when he came to hand in his reports. "Oh, Fullmetal! Didn't see you there! How come you're not wearing you stilettos today?"

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING A GIRLY SHRIMP WHO COULD TAP-DANCE ON THE HEAD OF A PIN?!" ranted Ed as he lunged towards the Colonel with his transmuted blade ready. Suddenly, it turned into a bunch of flowers with lots of bugs in it. "EWW!! ITS DISGUSTING BUGS! THEY'GE GONNA EAT MEEE!!!!! I'M GONNA DIE! GOODBYE WORLD!" shrieked Ed. Then he started bawling. In no time the office was flooded.

"HELP US! We're going to drown!" yelled the Colonel and Al. The flood then stopped mysteriously. "Who did that?" wondered Al. "I did!" replied a squeaky voice. "It's me the Door-Repair Gnome, Chuck! I helped you people! Now YOU owe me. GIVE ME CANDY!!!!!!!," Then the gnome turned rabid and started licking Ed. "Wow this tastes great! He tastes like licorice!" "Really? Move over! I wanna try!" Roy shoved the gnome to one side and started licking Ed.

Ed however had got his senses back and didn't like Roy and some stupid rat licking him and commenting on how he tasted like.

ED'S POV

WTH?! These idiots are licking me! What?! I taste like strawberry licorice! Wait…… Is that…. a giant rat?! I'm going to stop this right now!! I'm gonna bite Roy's ear! Let him feel how it feels like to be eaten!

-end of Ed's POV-

(A/N- So, I think you can guess what happens next?? Right??)

A/N- Well, that's chapter 1! Sorry if it's really boring with not enough crazy bits in it…… Please review and tell me what you don't like or tell me how to improve my fanfic. PLEASE have mercy and review!! I'm only 12 for the love of god!! Soo, if you have a heart you will review and not kill me!!

Ja ne!!


	2. Chapter 2:Candy,The Root of All Evil

**Sugar Rush Rampage**

**A/N**- Hi, I'm back with another chapter! I hope you like it. Please tell me if there isn't enough craziness or whatever. If it's too boring, I give you permission to fall asleep while reading it… I won't get mad or anything…

DICLAIMER: I so own Fullmetal Alchemist and all of the characters… YAY!!!! --Hey, wait! Don't sue me!! Ahhhhh!!!!! OK, OK… Yeesh! Fullmetal Alchemist and all the characters DO NOT belong to me… _-sigh-_

--

_Last time on Sugar Rush Rampage…._

Ed BIT Roy's ear!!

"ROOOYYYY-SAN spanked me!!! Now my butt hurts… Owww! Now I can't SIT anymore for the rest of my LIFE! Then I have to marry some kind of ugly whale-lady with a big butt! After that, we'll have weird chimera children who'll want to kill us and the Gate will get a job as a ventriloquist and use Al's body as a dummy for his act!" Ed sobbed uncontrollably.

"I didn't spank you THAT hard… did I??" wondered Roy. Then, Riza burst in and saw Ed bawling on the floor while Al just looked stunned. "WHAT DID YOU DO YOU JERK!?" shrieked Riza. Her motherly instincts kicked in and she scooped Ed up and started singing her own version of 'Rock-A-Bye-Baby'.

Riza's twisted version of Rock-A-Bye Baby:

"Rock-a-bye Edward, on the treetop,

When the Jerk dies, -glares pointedly at Roy- you'll get your body back,

If my gun breaks, Al'll get a cat, ("REALLY?!!" shouted Al)

And down will come Edward, automail and all."

By the time Riza finished her song, Roy was twitching like some weirdo. Ed however was energized after listening to the song.

"Soo, Wiiizzzaaa, IF I kill Woy, will I get my bwody bwack?? Huh?" Ed asked in his most cutesy baby voice. (NEWS FLASH: Fangirls from all over the world rushed to Central to glomp Edward. Luckily they were all caught before anyone was harmed. They are now housed in a mental fangirl asylum to cure their obsessiveness.)

"Of course," said Riza, her eyes glinting maliciously.

"Oh God! That woman's eyes are screaming bloody murder! I better get out of this asylum," thought Roy.

"Too late, Roy!" said Riza.

Ed was already transmuting his automail into his trademark blade. "!!!!!!!!!!" he shouted.

He and Al started chasing the Colonel, with Riza and Black Hayate following closely behind.

Suddenly, Envy came in and witnessed the scene unfold before his very eyes. "Wow! This is better than cable!"

"What is?" asked Lust as she waltzed into the office with Gluttony following her like some lost puppy.

"The Fullmetal runt is chasing the Jerk around the office with his blade. BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" Envy spit out while laughing like the crazed maniac he was.

Edward, however, had heard that statement.

"I am not SHORT, dammit!! You people are just freakishly tall… Something must have got mixed in Central's milk supply and mutated all of you people… Since I do not drink that vile liquid that is secreted from a cow, I am the only survivor of the tragedy… So, get off my back already!" He went off to sulk in the emo corner.

In Psycho Fan-Girl Land:

"Is the missile ready, 1st Lieutenant?"

"Yes, ma'am. It's 100% ready and ready to fire."

"Is it locked on target?"

"Affirmative, ma'am. Confirming target: Colonel Roy Mustang, the Flame Alchemist a.k.a. the Jerk; and Envy the Homunculus. Permission to fire?"

"Yes. FIIRRREE!!!!!!!"

Back in Central….

"Colonel, Envy…" began Al. "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU TWO DO TO BROTHER?!" he shrieked. Then he started to transform into a giant robot. (_**A/N**__- Think giant gunman from Gurren Lagann_) Then in his really cool terminator voice, Al said, "I vill terminate you now…"

"EEP!" squeaked Envy. Roy's reaction was even better. He squealed! His girly squeals even attracted a Road Runner.

"Beep Beep!"

"Yay! It's a Road Runner! Away, my trusty steed! Let's ride into the sunset really dramatically to escape Al and his wrath!" Roy said brightly. They then rode into the sunset but Roy kept falling off because his gigantic butt couldn't fit onto the Road Runner's back.

Envy just turned into a super cute kitten. Al instantly started cooing at it and hugged him to death. Bye, Envy!

By then, Ed had halfway recovered from his emo breakdown. "I'm gonna go back to the dorm, Al. See you later." Ed walked forlornly out the door. With his shoulders hunched, he looked shorter than usual. Poor Ed…

On the way back to the dorm…

Ed was in a really bad mood, and so he decided to take it out on the next person he saw, no matter who it was. He didn't even care if it was the Fuhrer; he just needed someone to release his anger on. Then, he saw an old man with a beard, sitting in a wheelchair, attempting to get down the stairs.

"HEY! You crippled old man!" Ed shouted as he stomped menacingly towards the old man.

"Me?" The old geezer was really confused.

"Yeah, YOU! See any other old moth bags hanging around here?! I hate you! You're so annoying!!"

"But I didn't do any thing to you, young man." _Wow, the boy needs professional help, _thought the old man.

"Argh! Old people are so irritating! They always think they're right!" And with that, Ed pushed the old, crippled man down the staircase.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" There was a crash, and then a feeble voice came, "Well, that's one way to get down the stairs."

"So long, sucker," snickered Ed, and he strode off down the corridors.

After that event, Ed's trip to the dorms seemed more interesting.

"Ahh, I finally reached my dorm. I feel really depressed… Now, where did my secret horde of candy for emergency purposes go? There it is! Now, let's see… what shall I eat first??"

That was the beginning of a very unfortunate sugar rush that would turn Central upside down. But before eating his precious candy, Ed made sure the door was locked. I mean, Al would attack him with alchemy and his legion of cat followers, and that would be pretty disastrous on its own, wouldn't it?

**A/N-** Well, that's the end of this chapter! I hope you all enjoyed it! As you can see, it's longer compared to my earlier one. I really hope this chapter has more crazy bits in it… If it isn't enough, I apologise _–kneels down on floor while begging for forgiveness-_ I really want to thank my cousin, Natasha who beta-ed this chapter and my friend, Wong Ann Jee who gave me the crazy idea of the crippled old man. I think it's the highlight of the WHOLE chapter. Anyway… PLEASE REVIEW!!! (otherwise I'll set my best friend's dog on you, it's a German Shepherd!) Some advice is appreciated too, you know! :D

**P.S-** Tell me if you all want another chapter….


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